Week 2:
(I was emailed by someone that tried to help me empathize a little more with her situation and a little less mine. This is how I responded.)
Yea, I agree... I'm getting better at dealing with it. I just needed to know that she wasn't drunk and hoping for some action... I know it sounds horrible that I would have to ask a question like that but I feel it was essential for me to be able to help her the best that I can. As of now (and I believe her), she felt safe with the stranger and her friend... they were both drugged, but her friend more (her friend drank most of the beer)... who ended up leaving and wondering the street. She remembers most of it now and it was physical and she froze. It's awful but I think we're making some headway, and fast. I have been with her almost all day and night for the last week and we're taking some steps toward a normal week this week. We are mostly dealing with random high levels of stress from both of us that kind of pop out of nowhere... mine because I'm angry at this guy, that this had to happen to her, and that I wasn't there to give it my all to protect her, hers are for a lot of reasons, but mostly because she wants a lot of things to just go away. I get nervous about that, but I think I'll just have to deal with it... This should be a bumpy ride, but I've explained to her that I'm 100% committed and that she doesn't have to talk about anything anymore if she doesn't want to. I did ask her to visit a psychatrist sometime next month when she feels up for it... and after two visits if she doesn't want to, just stop. Do you think we're doing alright??? Any red flags???
Week 3.
Well, week 3 seems to be going pretty well so far. Fights and frustration seem to be giving away to understanding and some mutual respect for both of us moving forward. There are plenty of things that I am concerned about, but at the moment I only feel comfortable voicing them with people on the internet. I think I'll run this like a doctor visit and they ask you what's wrong... or more importantly how you've been feeling...
I've been reading a lot about PTSD (post traumatic stress syn), and RTS (rape trauma syndrome) to find out that my GF is definitely lost somewhere in there. I'm unsure as to discuss the symptoms (educational and hopefully comforting), problems that can arise from these trauma's going unresolved, and just general thoughts on other preductive things that can happen from this event. I will press her again this week to go see a psychiatrist but I can definitely see it going badly (doesn't mean I won't do it!). I lately have been really interested in her discussing her trauma with a professional because I think that she needs someone else other than me to speak to. I get the feeling that there is a large amount of guilt in her still and I know that I can't make thatgo away. The nicer I am, the more concerned I am... the more guilt she will probably feel. She probably even feels that she did this to me. Either way, I think an objective authority will be helpful for her to really release any of those deep emotions (anger, guilt, hate) before they evolve into something much more destructive.
HIV. She's on her 3rd week of PEP pills to help prevent the virus HIV from attacking and multiplying within her T-cells. It seems as though there are good odds of prevention. Unfortunately she was at high-risk, but still... odds are in her favor. Unfortunately, we will not be able to have unsafe sex again until her last 6 month checkup. Not so exciting... but, so far, sex is probably one of the last things we need to be thinking about. Which brings me to my final topic.
Sex. We've already had sex four times (obviously with condoms and I'm well aware of the risk), but I'm getting the feeling that this will be one hell of a slippery slope for us for a LONG TIME. Here's a little background, we have had a lot of sex in the past and neither one of us would ever been interested in changing that. I know that she and I were very much on the same page when it comes to sex (sadly our relationship was probably 25-35% sexual connection, though we were working on that), but obviously now, this will (or may not) change. She shows a lot of interest in her life to going back to normal and that's what I allowed her. BUT I'm starting to feel like sex will be completely different and that she was just hoping that it wouldn't by us having sex those four times. Also, I should say that I haven't pressured her in any way other than that she is well aware that my ex had sex issues with me and that I didn't like that. But there is also a world of difference between sex once a week at age 28, and sex 2-3 times a day! I don't mind at all if she wants to wait 6 months... well, maybe a little, but I'll DEAL WITH IT. I just have no control over her head... and just hope for the best. and if there's anything I hate... it's hope.
I could use some thoughts about what I should do if anything about sex. Does anyone have experience with this situation? Are there things I have already done wrong? Are there things that I should watch out for? I'm actually really nervous that she'll leave me for someone else that won't know that she was raped and can live a normal life again (well, minus the huge white elephant of denial in the room) but you get the idea... Is that even realistic or am I going a little crazy too???
Thanks anyone.
Well... I need some help,
I'm knew to the whole dealing with rape thing and am finding it, so far, to be quite unbearable. I'll start with some background. One week ago, my girlfriend, while on vacation, was out having drinks with her friend (possibly a lot because she definitely is somewhat a lush, but she says she doesn't think so), having a good time, and they met this guy that says he was gay at one of the nice bars they were at. Unfortunately, this is where my story gets confusing... and it still is for me. I am missing as many details as she may or may not be... So, they're having fun, close the bar, then take a taxi... (he shares it with them... I guess because it's on the way but I don't know and have trouble asking her about it). Then, they end up going up for a drink, maybe to hangout and check his place out or something... I still don't know... So, they're both there, and he is trying to make sure they at least have one drink before they leave. More than likely, he drugged them, and they were drunk, and her friend ended up wandering the streets getting picked up by a cop. She on the other hand got the worst of it. I don't know if she gave in, was drugged, or... though I doubt, wanted this... They both ended up at the hospital, my GF ended up at the police station then getting tested and all the drugs she needed. She did everything right after the fact, but obviously... I'm having trouble with the story.
I need help.
I have read TOO much about all of the possibilities and have imagined EVERY scenario, I really want to be 100% there for her, but I'm still can't shake not knowing... Any help please? I don't want to end things with her in any way but if I ask about any details I am in for a night of doubt, and coldness toward everything we have together. I feel like I need to just accept it as is... but am obviously not doing well with that. I'm the kind of guy that wants to fill in the blanks so that I can solve this, file it away, understand what happened and make sure it doesn't happen again. But, what's worked for me in the past is not working now. Should I ask her? of should I somehow drop it and be everything she wants me to be... because we're probably moving in together, in a different city in a month and committing ourselves to each other for at least three years. I am still mostly supportive and helpful, and I'd say 3/4 of the time happy and playful. I can't even imagine enjoying alcohol, and I'm having trouble enjoying myself around people that aren't the closest of friends. I realize I'm not dealing with this the best which is why I'm seeking help online at the moment, but I could really use some advice from people that have either been in this situation, either raped themselves and had a boyfriend or been a boyfriend of a successful relationship after the rape. My guess is that most relationships don't make it through stuff like this because of bad reactions like mine or my inability to be normal and unprotective after. She loves being free to go and be wherever and I always was good with that and trusting and now I'm not even close! Ugh, someone just talk to me I guess...
